the aftermath with bated breath

Hey y’all, I know I promised consistency, but this is what you get.

Life’s been interesting. How about you?

Well…I’m done. All 191 pages of well-researched identity-making and linguistic patterning documented from Rap lyrics are done. I successfully defended my dissertation on March 21st. It went wonderfully. I cried and did the iconic Ric Flair walk the aisle and “woo” (iykyk). The ink is dry. I picked up my graduation regalia.

All these wonderful achievements and milestones completed and yet…

I’m not the happiest that I could be.

Why is that, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. The job search is legitimately debilitating and demoralizing. When you are working on an advanced degree, they don’t tell you how harrowing the job market is, especially in today’s world. They tell you, “Keep going; it’ll all be worth it once you have the degree,” or “Think about the job prospects and the earning potential.”I don’t know if they knew that living expenses don’t run on “potential.” Or maybe they did. The jury is still out. I have been applying since November.

Here are the stats: over 20 applications submitted, 15 rejections, 2 desk rejections, and 3 that I’m waiting to hear back on.

I bet you said yikes, too. If so, jinks, you owe me a soda.

But in all seriousness, this might even seem low to you. You could be in a camp saying I’m not trying hard enough. The little voice in my head tells me so sometimes. But my answer is always, what is trying hard enough? Isn’t this enough? I have taken every waking minute outside of trying to finish my degree to tailor resumes and cover letters. I’ve been doing everything I can. My therapist and loved ones tell me so.

But where are the results when bills need paid…

This is not a happy-go-lucky post. It’s not super hopeful at the moment. It’s just tiresome. I’m here to complain a little bit into the www void. I’m an exhausted, anxious, and disappointed Black girl just trying to make it. Hopefully, I will come back with some good news. I intend to.

Now that I’ve gotten that vulnerability out. I hope it touches someone who might be going through the same thing. I’m still praying. I’m still applying. I’m still going. It’s just like walking in thick mud. Slow and messy, but I’ll reach the other side. You will too…