navigating grief

this isn’t school focused but kind of?

get in, we’re going a ride through grieving

So, there I was 4 weeks ago still trying to work on my dissertation and struggling to balance concurrent timelines and trying to find some equilibrium. Struggling a bit, but knowing I would be able to overcome seeing that each day moves me closer to graduation. I was excited. I cleaned my house and looked forward to my partner coming home from a trip. I just knew that week was going to be my week to get it together and starting off on a good foot. I had all these plans.

My sister called me that Sunday morning engulfed in mournful tears and said forlornly:

“He’s dead, he’s gone Lexy.”

As I was processing what she was telling me, my older brother was dead. My blood brother that I hadn’t talked to in some years. The multi-faceted and flawed man with an infectious smile and caring heart. He is dead? At 27? My niece who I hadn’t even met yet isn’t even 1 years old. Anyone who knew him, knew that his baby was the very light of his life. He was a protector and provider his own way to everyone he loved. Excuse my rambling. So many things ran through mind at once. What do you mean I’m the oldest sibling now? My little sister and my younger brother especially are deeply hurting. I have to be there for them and be present.

Then fast forward to 48 hours ago, my sister texted me, “she’s gone.” This one hurt a bit less for me since: 1) we weren’t close, and 2) we expected it because she was declining. But it’s still a loss that is felt. I no longer have any of my grandparents. I still have to deal with my family still reeling from my brother and now having to navigate the same process concurrently with our great-grandmother.

What am I feeling?

Sick to my stomach mostly. That’s what happens when I get stressed. Death is something that stresses me out to no end. I’ve lost people before. It’s not an altogether new feeling. However, I have never lost people that were so close and so far at the same time. I was regretful of the fact that hadn’t made amends or patched up things before my brother was taken from this plane. I wasn’t able to bring myself to see my great-grandmother in the last few years of her life. I knew then that I couldn’t blame myself for that. I had my reasons. They were valid.

What came out the most was how inconvenient and unfair death can be.

No one likes to talk about it but many think about it. It’s not because I’m not sad or I’m not upset at the death, but how grief does not fit in with how we go about our life. In Western understandings of death, you want to chase it away as much as possible, especially in the age of capitalism. Because of that, death always seems cursory to the human experience until it happens, around you, to you, or in your community. Somewhere along the line of history, death became something to be afraid of or seen as an ultimate inconvenience. From paying for the funeral to discussing wills or trust, to taking time off work for bereavement, death can seem like there’s never a right time for it. (because there isn’t!) We fear inconveniences to a certain extent. Death isn’t something that we need to fear per se but it’s a natural consequence of life. Removing death from its scary gargoyle pedestal is necessary.

For that reason, I have been very pensive on what the life cycle is and what it means. There’s a quote from this show I watched, “The Midnight Gospel,” which is an existential animated Netflix show. It depicts several philosophical questions in conversation, namely the one quoted below:

“[Death] opens your heart. It breaks your heart open. our hearts have been closed because we’ve closed them. We’ve defended ourselves against pain.”

When someone dies and all you have is memories, the one thing that is left sometimes is a truly crippling pain. That pain is all the love you have left on this plane and the hurt you feel is your heart being blasted open. We can’t defend ourselves against things that hurt. You have to go through them. This isn’t to say there is a reason for tragedy, but you can get through those moments where it all seems just too much. In these times, ask for help from your community and be easy on yourself and your work. You aren’t necessarily your best self so treat it as such.

So…Cry. Scream. Breathe in. Breathe out. You got this.

Do the best you can with whatever you have today. Be well.