this is not the scholar you’re looking for…
I saw a video on Instagram about imposter syndrome and it really resonated with me and how I’ve been feeling as a queer, Black, femme, PhD student studying Rap music. It’s really hard to imagine yourself as training to be an expert in a field when you don’t feel like you belong there.
I’ve had several talks with my friends about this exact phenomenon and we all feel it. That part was comforting to not feel like I am alone but, it still comes to a point where it’s like “Dang, hasn’t someone found the answers to this yet?” I even feel the ominous syndrome’s effects as I am writing this post. I’m thinking:
“Who am I to write this because I, too, do not have the answers, Sway?”
I guess that I’m not looking for answers in this space because the only person who can pull you out of the Imposter Syndrome slums is YOU.
My friend, Brandon, says that “Imposter syndrome exists because we do not congratulate ourselves, especially, in the Black community. It’s a culture thing.” This makes a lot of sense. Your family and friends pouring into you give you a boost when you don’t have it. However, I’m thinking about all the times my Black friends or family have said, “oh, you’re still working on your little degree,” or, “how’s your little research paper?” Do you perhaps mean my PhD or my dissertation?
I don’t think that they truly mean it to be demeaning but, it does give me pause. Why do we belittle our accomplishments, no matter how small?
Something that I have been doing to combat this is leaning into my dissertation work, no matter how small and insignificant I feel sometimes. I’m taking the time now to honor myself in finally nailing down my research questions and focus. I think I’m doing really good and important work for advancing Hip Hop studies in the field of Sociolinguistics. Another way that I’m trying to combat it is trying to write more on this blog and working on the lexycal brand. I even bought my first test merch (coming soon). Something that has stuck with me as I try to break the habit of endless planning and preparing is the following quote and Instagram video I referenced below:
“Don’t wait until you get your ducks in a row to start something. Do it and start it now so when you do get your ducks in a row you have something to grow instead of something to start.” – Brandon Davis
ALEXUS P. BROWN, PH.D. 