getting started

Sometimes the hardest part is starting or starting over

So as some of you may know, I passed the oral portion of my dissertation proposal but failed the written portion. That was a terrible blow to my self-esteem. It’s not like I never failed before, that wouldn’t be human. I’ve passed with revisions on the written portion (read: failed) on my last two milestone projects. If you don’t know, as part of my dissertation proposal, it is your duty to give a timeline for working on said dissertation. This forced me to put my brain into the future and map out what my last year will look like. I feel that once I did this, this put me in the mindset that failure wasn’t even an option. So imagine my shock when I did not pass the written portion. My perceived failure seemed to affect my final timeline towards graduation.

This sent me into a spiral…

One thing with me is that once my set schedule is altered in some way, it makes me upset. But not a regular annoyance or frustration. Schedule alterations make me enraged. Sometimes it can take me off track for a while because it takes me a while to calibrate my schedule in a way that makes sense for me and the way that I work. I am able to be aware enough to understand that this isn’t something that isn’t a rational reaction. In fact, it is pretty far into the irrational zone. With that being said, when I’m thrown off, it takes me a while to get back into the swing of things.

I struggle with starting and starting over.

Both getting started and starting over are things that I struggle with deeply. Because I know this and my penchant of working through my emotions, I have started to give myself a lot more grace in these moments. I took an unexpected month off working on my dissertation in any way, shape, or form. I needed a break. I was deeply disappointed in myself and felt like a failure and that I wasn’t worthy to finish this project. I even contemplated leaving school altogether. I recognized that for the last month I was trying to power through and not letting myself sit in those emotions for a second and just feel them. Let this be a lesson to take time to feel your feelings rather than compartmentalize them all the time. It honestly makes things worse in the long run.

How I’m starting again

I started by making a flexible daily schedule where I put in time to teach and grade as well as do work. I’m also making a concerted effort to get outside of my house to do work and get fresh air. I also make sure to drink some caffeine so it can help my executive functioning and dopamine levels. I’m making time to cook for myself and order out less. I’m eating less meat and cheese overall. I even made stuff exciting for myself by giving myself a couple vacations to look forward to so I could break up the monotony of work. Balance is key to maintaining moving forward and upward.

May is Mental Health Month.

Please take time to feel your emotions and be easy on yourself. Mental health is something that I do not take for granted especially during this grueling dissertation process. If you are a student like me or even in the workforce, take care of your mind. It can take you so much farther than where your body will take you.

If you are struggling, please know that you are not alone. Reach out to your community and get help. Please take care. I know I will be trying my best to do the same.