“I regret to inform you…”

Y’all don’t regret it, but ok.

Rejections are just a fact of life. Some things or opportunities are just not for you either in that moment or ever. It’s something that we all need to experience as we are on the path of our purpose. With that being said, for some people, rejections never get easier.

Sadly, I’m one of those people.

Sometimes rejections for me are just devastating. I thought I would get used to it. I’ve been rejected from fellowships, job opportunities, relationships, etc. Man, I even started my graduate school journey with 4 rejections. The pit of my stomach increases and and my heart just drops every time I hear or see those words.

I honestly think rejections look and feel worse when you were so sure that the opportunities looked just right for you. You probably thought to yourself, “I’m a shoe in! This looks very me-sized.” Then, BAM! Insert “I regret to inform you…” knocking you upside your head and down a few pegs.

Remember that dissertation proposal I was working on?

I passed the oral portion but the written portion was not passable and I was not able to be admitted to candidacy yet. Hearing “congratulations” with bated breath followed with a “but, no one on the committee was happy with the paper,” was a devastating feeling that I was not prepared for. I don’t know why I wasn’t. I’m usually great at the presentation of the material but my writing usually needs more work. This occurred with both my comprehensive exams. But it seems like now is the first time where these revisions mess with my working timeline a bit, and also my pockets if I’m being honest.

On top of not fully passing my candidacy exam, I also got an e-mail the next day about how I didn’t get the fellowship I applied for next school year. I was partially banking on it so I wouldn’t have to teach or rig some funding, so I can just focus on my dissertation.

Maybe the universe needed me to be a dual-task researcher or teacher for one more year?

I don’t know why my progress was delayed in the way that is was. But one thing I do know is that it must align with my purpose. It may be setting me up for future success that I wasn’t ready for yet. With experiences I wouldn’t have received otherwise. With maybe a better or different outlook on my future career. But man, it sucks.